Indig Tips (6)

If you find that your daily tasks have become tedious routine, you can try the following.  Write a carefully worded standard letter to everyone expecting input from you, stating that as the deadline is approaching faster than foreseen, their requests for input have been deemed to have been cancelled. Any renewed requests will have to be introduced within 8 working days upon reception of the note. Be strict but polite; this is particularly important in correspondence with your superiors.

If you are working with extremely gullible individuals, this strategy may just about work. Failing that, you can be certain that it will break the routine.

Friendly fire

François was the kind of man women turn to when looking for revenge sex. He was a neat, clean person, always polite and very discreet. So far he had been asked three times, and he had always accepted – why not, he was free and single and, let’s admit it, very lonely.
Now he was sitting in his car outside the woman’s house in Rixensaart, waiting for her to come out. They had planned to go directly to his place after work, but then she had remembered that she needed something from home and he had offered to make the detour.
He had already waited more than twenty minutes when she came out; she was radiating excitement, relief and happiness and had a completely new spring in her steps.
- François, she smiled as she entered the car, my husband was there and I told him exactly what I was going to do. And can you believe it, he hugged me and said that he can’t blame me after I discovered his relation with another woman, but he wants me to take care and he hopes that we will very soon find our way back to each other again, because he loves me very much. And he was so sad and it was so beautiful, and I’m so relieved!
François started driving towards the Ring, but he knew what was coming. The woman’s mood was shifting again; he could sense her unease mounting.
- François, perhaps I have been a bit hasty in my desire for revenge. Perhaps we shouldn’t do this.
- You are right, perhaps we have rushed it a bit, François said with a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. Perhaps we should get to know each other a bit better first; we could go out for a meal tonight, instead.
- Yes, that is so kind of you, François, I knew you would take it in a good way! I know this nice little restaurant in Schaerbeek, they make wonderful salads, I could even ask some other friends to come along, this could be a very nice evening out, just wait while I call them…
François kept driving in silence. This was the third time it happened. He was the kind of man women turn to when looking for revenge sex, but not the kind of man women had extra-marital relationships with. There were always men who were more attractive, more clever or more powerful.
He dropped her off at the restaurant and she hardly noticed that he wasn’t going to stay; her friends had already started to arrive.

Endless fun

Emilia believed in giving her children everything she did not get as a child. When other kids hauled up shrivelled little lunch tickets from their pockets and queued up for the refectory, her children solemnly stayed in the corridor and carefully divided their daily ration of chewing gums, crisps and jelly bears between them.
When other kids complained of homework and piano lessons, her children quietly rubbed their thumbs, stiff after yet another long evening of PlayStation. Sometimes on Saturday afternoons they would pretend to go to the cinema or the fun fair, but instead sneaked off to the library to catch up with their maths.
Emilia’s children were never allowed to taste liver, spinach, cabbage or peas. One day they stole a bag of oat flakes and hid it under a loose floorboard, but they went back to Delhaize and paid for it the following day.
Her son became junior assistant to the deputy chairman of the steering committee for polyester. Her daughter took to internal audit. Emilia used to pretend that this was the whole purpose of the exercise.

Indig tips (5)

If you find your conversation skills a bit predictable, you can use great lines from movies to spice up your comments and create a feeling of shared cultural belonging.
Example: Houston, we have a problem! This famous line was used in a movie called Apollo 13. If you haven’t seen it, your acquaintances probably have and will be able to relate to it.
If you are already comfortable throwing great lines from movies around, you may want to enhance them. Example: Houston, we have a solution! This line could work well in team-building exercises to show that you have both understood what positive thinking is all about and that you are a fun person.
Once your reputation as a clever and cinematografic person is solidly founded, you are qualified for the Freestyle Level. Example: Houston, we have a shuttle! If your acquaintances merely look puzzled you can explain the joke without seeming condescending by adding: It’s called Apollo 13! … eh… It’s also a great movie!... And they also had a problem! Like us! But not the same!
(You should, however, be aware that the conversational success rate of the Freestyle Level is only between 6 and 8 percent at best, and that it drops sharply with every explanation.)

Denial (pro-active)

Dorothy’s painful adolescence started abruptly on the 11th of March 1994, over breakfast, as her father suddenly lowered his newspaper, cleared his throat and said:
“Dorothy, darling, you mustn’t think that your mother and I feel that our lives would somehow have been better if we hadn’t had you.”
Her mother smiled her wide reassuring smile and said:
“No, honey, because that is simply not true, that thought never even crossed our mind. Not in a million years it would, if ever we would live that long of course.”
Up to that moment, that thought had never crossed Dorothy’s mind either.

Certain people

"You know," said Chris, "there are only two kinds of people in the world. There is a multitude of definitions of course, but any which way you cut it, rest assured that I'm on the winning team."

Believe it or not

Bernice started to notice that something was amiss the third time the escalator started when she had already climbed more than half of the immobile steps. The first two times she had attributed the problem to bad maintenance or slow photocells. Now she glanced over her shoulder and saw the tiny child that had put her featherweight feet gently on the first step and caused the whole thing to start.
It could not be weight; it could not be bad maintenance. It had to be her. Bernice.
She walked slowly to the ticket office to ask for some explanation.  The sliding doors would not open. Yet there were people inside buying or asking for information or simply browsing time tables. She patiently waited outside until a cleaner accidentally triggered the photocell as he walked past with his trolley. Then she queued up with the other travellers.
 
It was not the fact that no-one seemed to take any notice of her or that the sales assistant did not seem to hear her mumbled questions, that finally made her understand. She was used to never making much of an impression. No, the final clue was when Bernice stumbled and fell straight through the ticket counter, bullet proof glass and all.
Bernice had read stories about people who had died and just stepped out of their bodies and continued to live like ghosts without even noticing it. But she had never heard that it could happen to an entire civilization and all its buildings and computers.
It was truly amazing.

Indig Tips (4)

If the glove compartment in your car is too cluttered, you can use your car maps to make a decorative collage. Make a six-sided card in stiff cardboard (all sides equally long) and use that as a model. Use the model and a scalpel to cut identical six-sided pieces from the maps, centered on the destinations that you have always wanted to go to.
Sort the pieces from the maps according to colour and pattern. Then paste them closely together on a coloured paper (A 3). Watch out so that the glue does not spill and discolour the map cuttings.
You will now have a nicely patterned collage that is equally decorative in the kitchen or in the entrance, and a clean uncluttered glove compartment in the car.
This is also a great way to recycle old diplomas and certificates.

Indig Tips (3)

If you find it difficult to chat to lawyers, you may want to prepare some phrases in Legalese. If your mother tongue is Swedish, you may find the following translation useful.

- Hur är läget? How are things?
- Tackar som frågar! Bra!Thank you for your query. The situation is satisfactory.

- Så... vad gör du i kväll? So, what are you doing tonight?
- Om du har lust kan vi typ gå på bio. Depending on your personal preferenses any joint activities from our side could potentially include but would not necessarily be restricted to a cineastic experience.

- Tack, det vore kul! Thank you, that would be fun.
- Ingen orsak. Your expression of gratitude lacks foundation.
Nuance: "Alls ingen orsak": Your expression of gratitude is completely unfounded.

Indig Tips (2)

If you don't have time to sleep properly you can try to sleep faster.
You go to bed in the normal way but instead of gently counting sheep you should imagine that you stand at the top of a bottomless elevator shaft. You take a deep breath and say to yourself that speed-sleeping is fun and that anyway you never particularly enjoyed the aimless sleep of sloppy dreamers. Then you exhale and take the plunge into the void.
If you have followed the instructions you should now very quickly fall into very deep sleep and will wake up completely recovered a few hours later.

It is essential not to be afraid of heights.
If you wish you may dream about parachutes.

Indig Tips (1)

If you travel on the metro and have nothing to do, you can explain the name of each metro station to fellow passengers.
Not many people know that the metro station Herrmann Debroux was named after a school caretaker, who was very good at making children stop crying. He also had a very thorny beard.
Each time a child cried he would hug it tightly. Very quickly the child would dry its tears and say: I'm fine, you can stop hugging me now. It's OK. Honest.
By the end of each school year, no single tear was shed while Herrmann the Cactus Beard was on duty.

A life, condensed

Alan lived by the creed that the first thought always was the best. When an idea struck him, he followed the impulse immediately. He met a woman, they got married, had two lovely daughters and lived happily ever after. His imagination was limited.

Lo and behold

The citizens are gathering at the gates of the nation. Big things ahead, parties to be thrown, enemies to be fought and conspiracies to be uncovered. And rebels, most certainly.

Be prepared.

/Ernst Mandelmilch und Bienenwachs

The Indig Nation

Welcome to the world of the Indigs. We may be few, but we are also loud. In addition, we are always right.

This intrinsic righteousness may sometimes be a burden. But we have accepted it and learned to live with it. Sometimes, I have to admit, I even enjoy it.